The Innuendos Story
by Nic Neptune
Summary: A documented account of all the misinterpreted conversations in Cackle's Academy. Written in the form of various oneshots. Different characters involved per chapter, but will be used more than once. R&R appreciated. I do not own the Worst Witch. WARNING: STRONG INNUENDOS
1. The Awkward Breakfast Incident

_**Hey everyone! Currently suffering a little bit of writer's block, but my vulgar mind is always able conjure up something naughty, so I decided I'd start and innuendos story. Hope you enjoy it and reviews would be much appreciated! (I'll even give you a cyber cookie if you review!) **_

**Chapter 1:**

**The Awkward Breakfast Incident:**

Amelia Cackle wasn't a strict woman, but she did like to maintain a routine. She liked to wake up at her usual time of eight o' clock every morning. She liked to take a ten minute walk outside in the fresh air, to get some time to herself and think about cheesecakes, and she liked to be eating her breakfast by eight thirty and be in class by nine o' clock.

However, this morning would be a little different. Chief Wizard Hellibore decided to pay Cackle's an early morning visit, which was a good thing if you were trying to diet or cut back to tone up or lose weight, as the shock of seeing that crusty old windbag would shock you to an extent of being unable to eat your breakfast; and even if you could stomach it, you wouldn't be able to tolerate being in the room with him long enough to get much eaten. Though he would make Amelia run a mile today, but not for the usual reasons.

Amelia was making her way through her porridge (don't be too shocked! She piles the sugar into it when no one's looking!) , in order to squeeze in a cream cake, a chocolate éclair and a slice of cheesecake before classes started. She was enjoying herself, as she was well on track, but was suitably disappointed when Hellibore burst in like he was God's gift.

"Good day, Cackle's!" he exclaimed, opening out his arms looking around. He continued to do so until he spotted the little headmistress eating her porridge, "or should I say, Cackle," he added glumly, knowing that he wouldn't be sucked up to as much as usual.

"Good day, Your Honour!" Amelia exclaimed, standing up, shaking his hand heartily as her smile beamed. She pulled him out a seat immediately and he sat down dramatically. She ran over to her seat and stood opposite him, in readiness to find out why he was there.

"I dare say it's rather cold in here, don't you think?" he mused, looking about. He breathed and was rather amused by seeing his carbon dioxide in the air.

"The window's open, Your Honour," Amelia said, darting around to close the window immediately. Though years of use had made the lock barely usable, and she had to try and roughly yank it back into the lock, but was unsuccessful in doing so, and had to spend a few minutes trying to get it into place. Egbert kept blowing out air roughly, and wouldn't stop doing so.

"Everything alright, Your Honour?" Amelia asked, breathless from trying to get the window closed.

"Perfectly fine, Miss Cackle," he replied, still blowing, "I used to be able to see my ring when I'd give a good blow, but no such luck today," he moaned. Amelia turned around, flabbergasted.

"Oh! An air ring?" she exclaimed, somewhat relieved. Chuckling nervously, she turned around and started on the window again.

"Why, yes….what did you think I was talking about?" he asked, looking at the woman, though continuing to struggle, he didn't offer his aid. "Although I find it only works when I blow the fag in my mouth," he said, shrugging his shoulders and relaxing more in his chair.

"Wh…." Amelia tried to ask, but was unsure if she was hearing him correctly, and therefore afraid to ask, "who…when…why did you have a fag in your mouth?" she stuttered unsurely. It was clear she was curious, but deep down didn't want to know the answer.

"When I'm smoking a fag, Miss Cackle," he replied, rather annoyed at all the apparently silly questions.

"When you're poking what?" she exclaimed.

"Smoking, Miss Cackle! Smoking!" he shouted, getting rather annoyed at her somewhat vocal efforts on trying to close the window.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Trying to close the window, but the handle is stuck."

"What I find good for when it's sticking up, is giving it a good yanking repeatedly until it comes and goes back down again," he beamed, thinking himself a DIY expert. Only the "Do It Yourself" could lose the "I" from Amelia's interpretation.

The window snapped shut, which was a huge relief to Amelia, and she turned to sit at the table with the Grand Wizard.

"Can I get you any breakfast, Your Honour?" breathed Amelia sharply, trying to catch her breath.

"I don't feel too hungry," he informed her, rubbing his tummy, "but I wouldn't mind drinking your juice," he added.

Amelia's disgusted look prompted him to tap on the jug of orange. She chuckled nervously, pouring him a glass. He continued to stare at the jugs or orange juice, milk and apple juice.

"I do like your big jugs, Miss Cackle," he mused, looking from the jugs to Amelia, "those small jugs are just hard to grab, and they don't hold nearly enough milk compared to big ones," he grinned. Amelia, by this stage, couldn't answer, and just nodded hypnotically, wishing Constance would return from collecting herbs and potions ingredients with the second years.

He courteously raised the glass before taking a drink. There was a short (but what seemed long) awkward pause between the pair. Amelia decided to break the awkward silence before she killed herself.

"I see Algernon isn't with you today," she said.

"Yes, we've fallen out again. I wasn't amused when he told me that I hang lower than any other man he's ever met," he said sharply, clearly ticked off.

"I thought that was commendable?" Amelia asked, wanting to fall into a hole in the ground.

"What? My beard isn't _that_ long!" he exclaimed defensively.

"Oh!" Amelia laughed hysterically, almost manically.

"My, what a lovely pear you have, Miss Cackle!" he exclaimed, rubbing his hands together, "may I suck on it and take a little nibble?" he asked.

Amelia closed her jacket right to the top button and folded her arms in front of her chest, and turned as pale as Constance. "I….I don't think that's appropriate, Your Honour," she replied, glaring at the door hoping that a teacher or student would enter and ease her pain.

"But you have two, I only want the one," he replied, pointing at the fruit bowl. Amelia chuckled cheesily, handing him a pear.

"I have to suck on it first to soften it, as the biting into it when it's hard messes with my false teeth," he informed her, starting on the pear. She laughed again nervously, but if anything, it freaked out the old buzzard.

"I was thinking of getting my stick enlarged," he commented. Amelia nearly choked on her porridge. "Oh, what's it called? The proper name?" he asked, racking his brain, "staff!" he exclaimed, "that's it, staff," he smiled, propping it up in his hand. "I find I've gotten a little tall for it," he added.

On that note, Amelia got up and darted quickly for the door, "where are you going?" he demanded.

"I have to go somewhere, goodbye," she replied promptly continuing out the door.

"Can I come?" he called after her eagerly, watching her run.

"You can come on your own!" she called back, increasing her speed.

_**Hope you enjoyed it. I'll be updating with a different scenario for the next chapter. Thank your for reading! *points to the review button, mere centimetres from your cursor* ^_^ **_


	2. The Tools Incident

**Hey guys! Thanks so much for your awesome reviews. Means the world to me! Thanks to **_**Chrissiemusa also for reviewing, since I can't reply to it, I'll thank you here. And this story will contain different scenarios with different characters throughout. So like Amelia/Egbert, Constance/Frank etc. etc. It will vary. =) Hope you enjoy this. ^_^**_

**Chapter 2:**

**The Tool Incident:**

Frank Blossom…..there was a handy man. He could fix plumbing problems, clear up a right old mess (mostly Davina's doing!), build mousetraps, rat traps, fix a broomstick, set up flying aptitude tests, fix electrical faults (not that this applied in Cackle's) and return pigs to farms; you name it, he could do it (so that's why Davina kept saying "Davina Bat" to him non-stop!)

He was also a caring caretaker, who got in with all of the teachers like a house on fire (except Constance, as she didn't get on with a lot of people _outside _of Amelia [And I dearly hope that doesn't mean she was ever _inside_ Amelia ;)], although they sometimes bonded when getting high on herbs in the shed with him - that was an exception. But as a general rule, Frank got on with everyone, teachers and students alike.

He didn't quarrel with teachers all too often, but when he did - he _really_ did. Frank had spent an evening up in Davina's bedroom (kinky bitch!), and the teachers wondered what on Earth was going on. At first, they figured he'd left without their noticing, but when they heard repeated banging and shouting, the knew he was still there…..but they didn't find out exactly what they were up to until they both burst into the staffroom, guns blazing!

"Never again!" he shouted, storming into the staffroom after her. Davina, upset and angered, took a rose from the vase and began eating it's red petals in rather a rush.

"It was my first time, Frank!" she replied, in what one would think to be an unattainable pitch.

" You'd bloody know it! She kept closing them! I couldn't get it in!"

"Well if you'd explained it a little better, Mr. Blossom, I may have gotten it sooner!"

"I was holding the darned manual in front of us! How hard could it be?"

"Too hard!" she barked.

"It needs to be hard otherwise there'd be no point! Where's the fun in that?

"What seems to be the matter, Davina and Frank?" Amelia asked, moving her box of donuts and packet of biscuits at a safe distance.

"I…I don't mean to be mean, Miss Cackle," began Frank, "but what can you say when she started pounding the head? She nearly bent my screw. You're supposed to hold it and twist, Miss Bat, twist!"

"I tried twisting! But my hand was sore from the twisting, turning and general movement. I was never good at hand jobs!"

"Jeez," he sighed, "I'm sorry for losing my temper, Miss Cackle," he looked at her sincerely, with an apologetically gentle tone to his voice, "but how do you do it with someone that laughs at you when your tool is sticking up?"

"I was laughing because it was so small, Miss Cackle," Davina responded in her defence, "I've seen bigger ones in the past."

"Like when!" he scoffed, defending himself.

"My cousin's was much bigger and his screws were much better quality."

"Your cousin!" he exclaimed.

"Yes, he let me watch him, y'know," she bragged, taking a geranium from the vase and snacking on that.

Frank and Amelia shared a horrified glance, before Amelia turned and sheepishly glanced at Constance, who was trying to hide the repressed smile that was forming at the corners of her lips.

"I can't believe you're giving out, Mr. Blossom," Davina stated, shaking her head, "when you're the most disorganised man in the whole entire Earth and Middle Earth," she added, eating more of her flower, "he tried to put his tool in my box!"

Constance uncharacteristically spat out all of her tea from the sheer shock of that image (or the disgust of it), while Amelia sat down, unable to stand and started stuffing donuts into her mouth.

"I feel I must discuss the rules of staff relationships to you again," Amelia muffled through her full mouth, "are you alright Constance?" she asked, glancing at the embarrassed potion's mistress.

"All in good time, Miss Cackle," she replied, wiping up the spilt tea.

"Don't worry, Miss Cackle," Frank began, "it won't happen again. I vow, Davina, that I am never, ever, in this life, making a coffee table with you again!"

Davina stormed into her safe haven, in the form of a cupboard, while Frank nodded apologetically and left.

"Thank goodness that was sorted out, Miss Hardbroom," Amelia sighed.

_**Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading! Shall update soon! (Already have the next idea almost complete in my head). Reviews appreciated! xXx**_


	3. The Guitar String Incident

_**Wazzup? Much apologies for the late update. Thanks for such kind reviews thus far, and please keep them coming! =D**_

**Chapter 3:**

**The Guitar String Incident:**

Another experiment was yet again doomed for disaster in Cackle's Academy. Camelot College decided that Cackle's Witches would benefit from the "influence of excellence" of the wizards - it was another form of experiment to see if Wizards could teach Witches, and if Witches could teach Wizards. (However, the latter route was not taken).

It was yet another normal day of abnormalities in Cackle's Academy, when into the staffroom burst forth the entire staff minus Davina (who had, had an altercation with Egbert regarding his singing-voice, which resulted in her taking refuge in her cupboard earlier that day). The staff were followed by Egbert and Algernon.

"It's not my fault!" snapped Algernon, waving his green-sleeved arms through the tense air.

"You prodded me in the eye with it!" Egbert sneered, holding his large hand to his eye. Amelia instantly darted to his aide, trying to link her arm in his dotingly. Imogen sighed, scoffed and shook her head as she slumped in her usual floral arm chair.

"I'm sure there's a reasonable way that we can sort this out," Imogen suggested.

"Oh, shut up!" snapped Egbert, "you're not even a Witch and should be beneath me!"

"I can assure you, Chief Wizard, that will never happen…" she droned, picking up a sports magazine, with pictures of mountain bikers on the front, doing different stunts.

"I don't know why all you bikes always want to ride in different positions. The usual has always sufficed for me," moaned Egbert, "the rider on top of the bike."

"Excuse me," uttered Imogen.

"Isn't there a name for that?" he inquired, "other than doing it upside down, legs in the air and so forth?"

"Missionary?" Algernon asked. Everybody's head snapped in his direction.

"Algernon, suffice it to say that you have gotten the wrong end of the stick."

"No, isn't that a missionary outside?"

They looked out the diamond-crossed window, to see an elderly gentleman, dressed in a brown gown lurking about.

"I don't know," exclaimed Egbert, holding his hand to his eye, "I can't see!"

"It's your fault! You shouldn't have been fingering my G-string so hard!"

"I played with it like you asked me to! I didn't ask you to poke me with your instrument!"

"You kept twisting the head! The tension became too much for it!"

"You could've warned me, Algie!"

"I did! I told you that when it gets hard and less wobbly you were to leave it alone!"

"Perhaps we should leave you to sort out this situation yourselves, gentlemen. Ladies, I think we should leave. I believe dear Mrs. Cosie was looking for some company. I offered to help her clean down her cobwebs. They haven't been disturbed since Mr. Cosie used to reside there."

"Ah," grinned Constance, "I was thinking you couldn't possible be eating cakes there the whole time."

"Yes, I like muffins too." **A/N: Unsure if that's Irish-only slang, or general slang, but look it up if you don't get it. =)**

"Don't get cocky with me, Egbert Hellibore. It wasn't me who missed sticking it in the hole."

"It was tiny!"

"I practically stuck it in your face! You couldn't miss it!"

"And that's how you ended up poking me in the eye with that tiny thing!"

"Tiny thing? I'll have you know the man in the shop rated it heavy gauge!"

"Of all the impertinence!" Egbert snapped, storming out.

"Ladies, let me give you some advice. Never, ever change a guitar string with Egbert Hellibore."

_**Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading and reviews will be much appreciated! Thanks! xXx**_


	4. The Bun Incident

_**Thank you for all your lovely reviews thus far! Much appreciated! :D**_

**Chapter 4:**

**The Bun Incident**

Eavesdropping is a punishable action for a reason.

Fenella and Griselda had been caught once too often, which is why they devised a dandy little spell for aurally spying on the staff. Constance had royally pissed them off when she banned them from the library after accidentally bringing Justin Bieber to Cackle's.

"You butch women are getting on my nerves!" Constance yelled in a fit of rage at Imogen, once she heard the said singer terrorising the other side of the school.

Thus, they wanted revenge. What better way to get it than to spy on their private conversations? They were in for a shock on one particular day. They were soon to learn that one is better of spy visually than aurally, as things can become entirely misconstrued. As we shall see …

The Grand Wizard was on a visit and was in the staffroom with the teachers munching a little lunch. The ritual had been moved from Miss Cackle's office owing to the Doctor Foster's Effect - she had tried to make a cheesecake enlarge once too often.

"What a beautiful feast before my eyes, Miss Cackle!" he beamed, stretching out his arms as he took a closer look at the confectionaries on the table.

"Only the best for you, Your Honour."

"You really have beautiful buns, Miss Cackle!" he continued.

"Well, at least someone appreciates them. I'm always trying to get Miss Hardbroom to give my buns a go, but she will insist that she's not into that sort of thing."

"May I have a feel?" he enquired - those puppy eyes!

"Of course!"

He picked one up and gave it a squeeze.

"Ooh! Firm! Have a feel, Miss Hardbroom!"

Amelia gave her 'the look' - _translation: just bloody look!_

She complied.

"Why don't we share our buns together!?" he exclaimed merrily.

"What a good idea!"

"I cannot comply, Your Honour," Constance informed him soberly, watching as his beard grazed along each baked item, "I do not like long hairy things near my buns."

"Suit yourself!"

He took a seat as Miss Cackle held a platter of buns before him. They looked divine! Some had sprinkles, some were plain and the rest had icing of various different colours.

"What would you like today, your honour?"

"The pink, please!"

"My pleasure!"

"The pleasure is all mine, Miss Cackle!"

"Oh, yeah!" he exclaimed.

"That really hit the spot, Your Honour!" she beamed as she joined him.

"Miss Cackle! I can hardly contain myself!"

"And here is my extra treat for you, Sir," she grinned, producing a voucher for Cosie's.

"Oh! A free offer for Mrs. Cosie's muffins! I do love her muffins!"

"Me too, your honour!

"Although, I must admit that your Mrs. Tapioca was very satisfactory during my last visit."

"She enjoyed your company, Your Honour," Amelia smiled, "in fact, she has a little something in the oven for you to commemorate your last meeting."

"Jolly good!" he beamed.

* * *

><p>"They are sick," Fenella said, disgusted.<p>

"Not half as sick as I'm going to be," a pale Griselda added.

They never eavesdropped again …

Ever …


	5. The Lock Incident

_**Thanks for all the reviews thus far! I hereby lavish you with cyber cookies and cyber milkshakes! Cheers!**_

**Chapter 5:**

**The Lock Incident**

Amelia and Egbert were taking out new door handles from the packages.

* * *

><p>Enid was walking through the corridor.<p>

"Now to get your password, Cackle," she smirked as she placed her ear against the door.

* * *

><p>"Miss Cackle, please do not be so rough with my package!" he scolded, when she flung a lock on top of the packaging and left a huge dent in it.<p>

"I am sorry, Your Honour. I think you should put that away, don't you?"

"We haven't even started yet!" he snapped.

"I know you were very busy today, and I'd love to thank you for coming!"

"Anytime, Miss Cackle! I will come for you anytime!"

"And you never come late! Your Honour, we are blessed with you!"

"I thought Frank normally fixed you?"

"Oh, Frank was taking a special course and Mrs. Tapioca is tasting his meat for him."

"Jolly good. I thought that was your job?"

"No, I eat his cheese."

"Ah."

"I was very sorry to break you in, Miss Cackle."

"It is okay, Your Honour. It's about time something was done about it."

"It was your blasted opening that made me break it, you see. I took the head and rammed it into your opening as hard as I could; I even thrusted it in and out and it just wouldn't come."

"You were right about the lubrication," she smiled, waving a bottle of cooking oil (which the older, broken lock was drenched with).

"Ah, I understand. When one is old you have to allow for things to be a little stiff. It has been idle for a very long time!"

"I noticed, Your Honour!"

"I couldn't believe all the cobwebs that were on it!"

"Thank you for brushing away my cobwebs! It's been years since anyone's been at it!"

"My hand is still store from pounding on your knocker!"

"I think is very kind of you to give me a handle that sticks up instead of one that is hung. I will never have the same trouble with it again!"

"That is wonderful, Miss Cackle! Absolutely wonderful!"

They both pulled open the door and in fell a pale Enid.

"Enid! Ah, lovely to see you! His Honour is helping me fix my door handle. It got stuck in place and he had to pull it right off. I almost got trapped in my office! Is there anything I can do for you, Enid?"

"Nothing like that, Miss Cackle, I can assure you."


End file.
